You see what I did there? Eh? Yeah…
Why waste your time with Mets Blog when you can get two or three of those a day.
I’m very happy with my life. Hopefully the Mets lose more money and have to hire me as their mascot and cut ways with Mr Met. I know he’s my cousin but, truth be told, he’s a real asshole.
As you know by now, the Mets are selling $20m ‘ownership shares’ that don’t include season tickets or free food. What you may not realize is there are a few perks, and down sides, to this ‘special offer’:
Your own bathroom stalls where 6 year old kids don’t jump up and stare at you as you shit.
Very few minorities (except for the pregnant ones you ride piggy back from suite to suite).
You receive cute dogs
Jesus, you want MORE!?
You have no say in baseball operations
Oxygen is only available during ‘peak hours’
You cannot have voting power when, ahem, if the Mets somehow sell.
Your dog is turned into hamburgers.
You can only upgrade to a 2 legged pregnant lady, who carries you suite to suite, if you pay $5m more. This also includes gum. Please note, this gum is the only food the ‘suite servants’ are allowed to use to feed their families so you have to fight to the death in order to pry it from dirty, defeated gum chewing faces.
You have to eat your doggy hamburgers unless you want to pay more for ‘real food’ and you’ll like it!
A bomb is strapped to your neck
Fascinating. Thank you to my team of reporters for uncovering this. To think, Mets Blog didn’t cover this. Typical money grubbing hacks (shakes head). I bet if you ask them about the free dogs being turned to food they will say “I never heard of such a thing”
Don’t be fooled!
“We love his bat. But if I have to carry him out like a legless pregnant woman again I’ll slap my dog silly”.
When asked what he felt about this ‘vote of confidence’ Daniel said “Well, I’m just glad he has confidence in me…hey, WAIT.A.MINUTE” and would then poke Terry in the eyeballs and hit him in the head with a frying pan.
Bored. Can I have baseball, please? We are in the “1993 Mets” of the Offseason…it’s hell. Unbearable and feels like there is no end in sight.
Everybody is having a good chuckle over what’s going on with the Mets getting rid of their Gulf Coast League minor league affiliate. At most, it seems that it will save them $800 thousand dollars. This , of course, leads to the question; what’s the big deal?
Well, after Matt Cerrone asked this question (I hope to holy hell he was just being a good company man) it seems many people are missing the point of how this benefits the Mets; it will dramatically reduce commitments in the draft especially since you cannot abuse the system with over-slot spending.
The reason removing the G.C.L team made sense is because it is the one place where you send your international free agents (i.e 16 year old kids from the Dominican or Venezuela) as well as high school players. Those are usually the most expensive players you invest in when you work to build your farm system since college kids, especially seniors, have no real leverage to work with.
By eliminating the lower level of their minor league affiliate they now stand to benefit by signing more college aged pitchers which not only can help hurry up in improving this team but also save them a ton of money in the long run.
Reading Between The Lines: Sandy has a few years to raise the value of the team, cut costs and then sell. Best case, they won’t sell but the plan is to, without question, cut all long term costs (next 3 years) and now they have a great excuse to do so.
The Mets’ ownership might be bad at running a baseball team and bad at maintaining envelope stuffing ponzie schemes but they are not stupid. They know what they are doing and we are now about to embark on a 3 year plan to cut costs and build value as cheaply as possible. There’s a reason we have the Moneyball Genius after 15+ years of Steve Phillips and Omar Minaya.
Bud Selig simply cannot afford to have the Mets fall any lower and the only way to ensure that would happen was to ‘recommend’ Sandy to do the dirty work. He’s the perfect age to handle this job for 3 years and, most likely, has a gentleman’s agreement to take on a nice MLB job when he’s done polishing this turd.
“Sandy Alderson To Address Team After 0-34 Start”
“David Wright Swears He’s Had His Last Drink…
Beer Cans Next To Third Base Woke Me Up”
“Fred Wilpon Rises From Dead – Eats Brains of New Owners.
Unknown Zombie Clause Re-Establishes Him As Owner! “
“Dan Warthen Smiles”
“Ike Davis Sneezes – Out For Year”
“Fred Wilpon Admits Envelope Stuffing
‘Didn’t Pay Off As I Had Hoped’ “
“Mets’ First Round Draft Pick Sues For Draft Bonus After Check Bounces” “First Time Was Bad Enough, But The Second Time…”
“Mets 49th Round Draft Pick Sues…”
“Fred Wilpon Apologizes For The 1986 Mets.
This Won’t Happen Again!”
“Mike Pelfrey Licks His Right Hand Off!
Listed As Day To Day…”
“Mike Pelfrey Licks David Wright’s Hand Off. Seeking Counseling”
“Fred Wilpon Apologizes For ‘Korean Day’ Snafu.
Acknowledges Hot Dogs Are NOT Made From Real Dogs”
“Sandy Alderson Apologizes For Fred’s Snafu
Thinking Koreans Actually Wanted To Eat Dog Made Hot Dogs”
“Sandy Alderson Slaps David Wright In Face With Fish”
(Just Seeing If You Are Still Awake).
It’s always nice when you can look back on a 28 year old who is, at worst, the 4th best hitter in your team’s history and you can say “We couldn’t afford him because we paid the same amount of money to Jason Bay and Oliver Perez”.
Thanks for the memories.
“Mets are like a box of chocolates, leave ‘em out there in the sun for 3 hours and they turn to shit”
I can’t wait to see Chuck James pitching for Johan Santana when his arm falls off in the 4th inning.
“Johan, are you concerned about the fact that you no longer have a left arm?”
“I feel great. This is just a minor setback.”
“Johan, is it true Dan Warthen suggested that, instead of losing valuable time learning how to pitch with your right arm, you will hold the ball in your mouth and run to the batter?”
“Absolutely. Aren’t you happy that this man is our pitching coach and not Rick Petterson?”
Clear down-sizing going on. Don’t believe they employ Pacific Rim scout anymore. Even heard minimum-wage, part-time St. Lucie helper fired.
I think this guy has just as much of a chance to hit .260 with 20 homers as Jason Bay.