Breaking Down The $20m Ownership Investment Opportunity

As you know by now, the Mets are selling $20m ‘ownership shares’ that don’t include season tickets or free food. What you may not realize is there are a few perks, and down sides, to this ‘special offer’:

Perks:

Your own bathroom stalls where 6 year old kids don’t jump up and stare at you as you shit.

Very few minorities (except for the pregnant ones you ride piggy back from suite to suite).

You receive cute dogs

Jesus, you want MORE!?

Down Side:

You have no say in baseball operations

Oxygen is only available during ‘peak hours’

You cannot have voting power when, ahem, if the Mets somehow sell.

Your dog is turned into hamburgers.

You can only upgrade to a 2 legged pregnant lady, who carries you suite to suite, if you pay $5m more. This also includes gum. Please note, this gum is the only food the ‘suite servants’ are allowed to use to feed their families so you have to fight to the death in order to pry it from dirty, defeated gum chewing faces.

You have to eat your doggy hamburgers unless you want to pay more for ‘real food’ and you’ll like it!

A bomb is strapped to your neck

####

Fascinating. Thank you to my team of reporters for uncovering this. To think, Mets Blog didn’t cover this. Typical money grubbing hacks (shakes head). I bet if you ask them about the free dogs being turned to food they will say “I never heard of such a thing”

Don’t be fooled!

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